


And You Won't Look Back

by blueb1rd



Series: Come Back Around [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-29
Updated: 2011-10-29
Packaged: 2017-10-25 01:50:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/270402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueb1rd/pseuds/blueb1rd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...Except of course, Kurt does. Sequel to 'Live Through This' - Future AU. Klaine breaks up their freshman year of college. These are mini ficlets and drabbles focusing on Kurt during their time apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Hate This Part

**Author's Note:**

> Part of the Come Back Around 'verse I've written with gameboycolor on LJ. The masterlist for the entire 'verse can be found [here](http://blueb1rd.livejournal.com/4209.html)

Kurt didn't know how it had come to this.

It wasn't that they didn't love each other. They did. They still felt just as strongly as they had over a year ago, when they'd first exchanged those precious three words. Stronger, even.

But despite this, despite the fact that at the end of the day they were _still_ each other's everything, the glue that held them together was slowly, steadily disintegrating. Had been for a while.

Watching their relationship crumble was frightening enough. But watching it and not knowing how to stop it was absolutely terrifying.

Because no matter how hard he tried - tried to figure out ways to make their schedules more compatible so they could see each other more often, tried to call more often - the wedge just kept digging in, widening the gap between his life and Blaine's. The arguments kept coming. The secrets. Bit by bit, cracks had started to appear until they had finally reached this devastating point where Kurt didn't even _recognize_ them anymore.

It hadn't even been that big of an argument, not really. Oh, they knew how to hurt each other. They'd used every weapon at their disposal, little barbs that dug under their skin and _burned_... but they'd had worse, and come out of it better before.

There was just something different about it, this time. About the way Blaine had closed himself off, about the sound of the door slamming behind Kurt as he stormed out. About the tears that streamed down his face afterwards.

About the way they looked at each other, hours later, when Blaine let himself into Kurt's bedroom.

 _"We're breaking up, aren't we?"_

It's not a question, not really. Because it's not just cracks anymore. They're broken. Undeniably, heart wrenchingly, _achingly_ broken.

He's not surprised when Blaine answers yes.


	2. Betray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt's thoughts on his one night stand a few weeks after the break up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is definitely the shortest tidbit in this series. it was going to be a full length ficlet but Kurt was so uncomfortable through the entire thing that I couldn't bring myself to write it.

It all feels so wrong, even as it’s happening - like a betrayal, like he’s being _unfaithful_. But there’s no one to be faithful to anymore. Blaine’s not his, he belongs to someone else now. Kurt figured it was better to get used to that now rather than later.

And this, he thinks, as he presses against an unfamiliar body, will be good for him. Like starting over. Sleeping with someone else means he’s closing the door on the era of sleeping with Blaine. It’s a good thing. Moving on is a _good thing_.

But it doesn’t quite feel like it.


	3. I Guess Second Best Is All I'll Ever Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt's thoughts after waking up next to his first post-Blaine boyfriend for the first time. Angst.

Waking up next to someone you cared about for the first time was supposed to be wonderful. It was supposed to give you this quiet little thrill, seeing their face first thing after cracking open your eyes. The way they'd draped their arm across your bare waist in their sleep was supposed to make you feel warm and safe and secure, like you never wanted to move again. You just wanted to stay there with them in that fuzzy state between waking and sleeping forever.

Kurt didn't feel any of that.

Instead he just felt... empty. Numb. Hollow. _Alone_ , despite the fact that Josh was right there, still fast asleep less than a foot away. He looked beautiful like that, his soft blonde hair falling in his eyes and his chest rising and falling in time with his steady breathing. Kurt's heart should have warmed, or leapt, or _something_.

But it didn't. It didn't do anything at all, except _ache_ with this sharp pang of loneliness that overwhelmed him and stole his breath away. He turned in the other man's arms, facing away from him with eyes squeezed shut against the sudden swell of tears. _He wasn't supposed to feel like this_. Why did he feel like this?

Unbidden, memories of other mornings swept through his mind. Dark curls and long lashes and gentle smiles. Sweet, languid kisses and muffled laughter. Quiet, confiding whispers to exchange hopes and dreams and fears and _souls_. And love. Love everywhere.

After having that - having it, and losing it - everything else just felt cheap.

He was afraid it always would.


	4. What's In A Name?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trist gone awry - takes place during Kurt's summer in Europe, after his sophomore year at NYU.

The weight of a deliciously warm and well formed body is pressed down on him, their hips rolling in time with a pace that is leisurely rather than frantic - they’re taking their time to enjoy this, to enjoy each other. His fingers are tangled and wrapped in thick, dark curls and he can feel the slight scratch of stubble against his skin. A pair of lips (badly in need of chap stick) are skillfully brushing an electrified path down the length of his throat as breathless little sounds of appreciation tumble out of him.

Kurt’s eyes drift shut and he tilts his head back, allowing the other young man easier access. A breath hisses sharply past his lips when a hand trails caressingly down his chest, his abdomen, and lower, cupping his length through the flimsy material of his cotton boxers.

“ _Blaine_ ,” he murmurs softly, arching into the touch, “oh, Blaine.”

And that’s when everything stops.

“What did you call me?”

Kurt stares up at the man who is decidedly not his high school sweetheart, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. He’s every bit as surprised as Cappi is, because -- oh God. He hadn’t realized what he was doing, what he’d _been_ doing, until that moment.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, blue-green eyes filling with tears. “I’m so sorry. This was a mistake.”


	5. I Would Give It All To Not Be Sleeping Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> March 15th, 2015 hits Kurt as hard as ever, despite his efforts to keep the memories at bay.

Kurt was smart, this time. He purposefully arranges his schedule to be jam packed that day, so he wouldn’t have time to think about _anything_ , particularly that pesky date on the calendar.

He has a paper to finish before his morning classes start- can’t dwell on the past over coffee.

He has a lunch date with Gina at 1:15, and they’re supposed to go shopping after. Can’t dwell on it in the afternoon.

He has a date that evening. Can’t dwell on it then. And hey, who knows? If it goes well maybe he’ll have an excuse not to dwell on it all night.

(He knows he won’t. He’s already ruled out casual sex as being something he’s capable of. He tried _once_ , and knows he never wants to wake up feeling that... empty, that dirty again.

But he tries to pretend it’s a possibility, just for today. Just to distract himself.)

\--

In the end the date’s not horrible. It’s not great, but it’s not horrible.

Kurt has been acquainted with Ian for a few months at this point, and they get along pretty well. Ian has a nice smile, a good head on his shoulders, and a sense of humor dry enough to rival Kurt’s own. They go see a movie and spend most of the time making fun of it. Their hands brush in the popcorn bowl once, and their eyes meet. Ian grins. Kurt looks away.

\--

There’s the usual exchange at the end of the evening, when they’re saying goodbye outside of Kurt’s dorm room.

“This was fun,” Ian, hands shoved in his coat pockets, grins down at Kurt. “We should do it again sometime. What do you say?”

“Yeah,” Kurt strives to sound politely interested without seeming over enthusiastic. “Sure. I’ll call you.” He won’t.

Ian doesn’t know that. He just grins wider, bounces happily on his heels before leaning down. “I look forward to it.”

Kurt lets him kiss him. He’s not sure why. Maybe he’s hoping he’ll feel something, but he’s not surprised when he doesn’t. He puts a hand to the other man’s chest, gently pushing him away, before it can go any farther. “I should... say goodnight,” he said, fumbling with his keys. “I have class in the morning.”

Something in his eyes send Ian’s shoulders slumping in disappointment.

Maybe he knows Kurt won’t call after all.

\--

And then Kurt’s alone.

He shrugs off his jacket and toes off his shoes, flopping into bed without bothering to change into sleep attire or go through his usual moisturizer routine. He’ll regret it in the morning, when his skin is dried out and his clothing is impossibly wrinkled, but just now he can’t care.

He’s _tired_ , not just physically but mentally, emotionally. He can feel it in his heart, his soul. Things like this... they’re supposed to get easier, aren’t they? He’s supposed to feel better as time goes on.

And sometimes, remarkably, he does. Sometimes he could go an entire week without thinking about Blaine, and he’d be fine. He’d go out with his friends, he’d laugh and gossip and shoot flirty glances at attractive passers by. It wasn’t like his life was all misery. He was heartbroken, not dead. Sometimes he could forget.

But sometimes he couldn’t.

Sometimes it hits him so hard he can’t even breathe.

As he switches off the light and stares up at the ceiling in the dark, he knows tonight is going to be one of those times. He’s been able to put off thinking about it all day, but now there was nothing left to distract him and he can’t help but remember everything.

The first time they met, on the staircase back at Dalton.

The first time they sang together. The way they’d danced around the Warblers practice room, the little thrill when their eyes met.

The first time they’d fought. The first time they’d made fools of themselves in front of each other. First kiss, first date, first I love yous. And all the ones after that.

First step towards the end. First dismissive, closed off response. First snippy remark. First time they hung up without saying ‘I love you’.

Last time they’d made love.

First time they’d said goodbye.

Thinking back on it, there were so many things he’d do differently, if he could. So many vicious words he’d take back, so many things he’d try to hold them together. If he could just do it all over...

But that was thing about life. You get one chance to get things right, and if you mess that up you’re screwed. There are no do overs.

So Kurt was left to dwell in memories, and comfort himself by thinking that maybe, wherever he was, Blaine was laying awake thinking of him, too.


	6. Maybe I'll Be The One That You Like Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt has grand plans of getting back together, but sometimes castles in the air turn out to be just that.

When kurt finally works up the nerve to call, winter break is only a few days away. He figures maybe - if he's lucky and Blaine actually deigns to speak to him - maybe they can start by grabbing coffee at The Lima Bean, catching up.

Blaine would be reluctant at first, Kurt expected that. But it was Christmas, should old acquaintance be forgot, and all that stuff. Just _one_ little coffee, for old time's sake. Then of course, when they were actually seated across from each other - Blaine with his medium drip (or was he still on that tea kick?) and Kurt with a nonfat mocha, same as always - Kurt would have the chance to apologize, for everything. He'd be able to explain how he still felt, how he was convinced he would _always_ feel about Blaine.

And Blaine might, again, be hesitant, because they'd been through so much and hurt so deeply. But in the end how could he refuse? What they had between them, even in its current broken and battered state, was special. You couldn't just stop being someone's soul mate, after all.

What he does not expect is to hear a completely unfamiliar voice on the other end of the phone. _Thomas_... The name slides in his ear and through his brain, settling in the pit of his stomach with a foreboding sense of unease. It feels like a bad omen, and the muffled, flirtatious banter does nothing to settle his fears.

Wes confirms it for him a week later.

"You need to leave it alone," he tells him. "You need to let him have this."

And that, more than anything, is what does it. It's that final nail in the coffin that holds his last shred of hope of resurrecting his relationship with his ex boyfriend.

Because if Wes approves, he knows it's serious. And that thought terrifies him.


	7. I Said Something Wrong Now I Long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt's reaction to finding out Blaine's gotten serious with someone else.

Kurt didn’t know why he’d believed him. Blaine, that is. That night, when they’d talked on the phone and Blaine had promised (so easily, like it was nothing more than icing on the cake of certainty) that he’d call back soon. He’d heard it before. Promises they’d stay friends, promises to visit or call... they’d all ended the exact same way for Kurt: in disappointment.

He just really thought this time would be different. That they’d grown past the stage where they continued to play games of cat and mouse or who can sting the other the sharpest.

Apparently he’d been wrong.

And it wasn’t all that surprising, really, that Blaine had a someone. Blaine _always_ had someones. He had a string of flings and conquests that stretched from New Haven to California, and Kurt (thanks to Facebook and gossipy friends) was more than well aware of it. But they had always (except for Brenden, whose existence Kurt tried his best not to acknowledge, thank you very much) been just that - flings. Sex and alcohol. Inconsequential nothings. Kurt had never been worried by them before.

Worried for _Blaine_ and the way he had changed so quickly and so miserably that Kurt almost didn’t recognize him anymore, yes. But not worried that these boys were any kind of threat to the connection that, despite distance and time and hurt feelings, he and Blaine continued to share. It was dim and tired and wounded, perhaps, but the connection was still there.

 _Had_ still been there.

Because for Blaine to have thrown this away again, pass up revisiting what they’d had (and what they’d had had been _wonderful_ , before it had soured), for Wes to _approve_ of this new person... it could only mean one thing. Blaine was moving on.

Kurt did not find this to be a comforting thought.

Actually, he found it downright terrifying. Because this? This wasn’t the way their story was supposed to pan out. They were Harry Met Sally, _that was what they were_ , an epic romantic comedy couple who, yes, had their ups and downs but ultimately ended up _together_.

Now suddenly he was being cast in the role of permanent ex-boyfriend, permanent ex-best friend and he just... he didn’t know how to deal with that.

He still loved Blaine, with everything he had. He didn’t want to let him go. He was tired of being without him. It was like this dull ache in his chest, reminding him over and over again that there was something missing. He didn’t have anyone who understood him the way Blaine had, who made him laugh like Blaine did, who _loved_ him like Blaine had loved him.

And Kurt certainly hadn’t loved anyone else.

He’d tried, albeit half heartedly. But the fact of the matter was he’d given his heart and everything in it away when he was sixteen, and he didn’t want it back or find anyone else worth giving it through. He’d made his choice. Made it young, yes, but that didn’t mean he didn’t know his own mind. He did. He’d had years to think about it, and he knew what he wanted.

Apparently it was the one thing he couldn’t have. Wasn’t that always the way?


End file.
